F A C A D E
Upon each day’s dawning do I choose my face;
a merciful Father helps hold it in place.
Applying the layers with skill and great care;
I erase my exhaustion, I cover despair.
Few see beyond the visage of my choice;
only God knows the desperation unvoiced.
All pain and sorrow do I hide behind the mask;
without His great mercy I could not bear such a task.
Calm is the veneer I present by my mate,
and for God’s intervention do prayerfully wait.
~ Survivor Squared
T H E H E L P M A T E
I cannot bear the pressure; this worry, strain and stress.
Why do you not notice that our marriage is a mess?
I try to be a good wife; place your needs above my own,
yet every day I see new signs your discontent has grown.
A moment makes you happy, the next it makes you sad;
one minute you are cavalier, I blink and you are mad.
Seeking your approval although it comes to naught,
Why ever do I bother? The inevitable thought.
Your constant shifts from up to down; foul mood to sudden glee
are random, disconnected; no warning do I see.
Poised upon the edge of an abyss I didn’t create,
scarcely drawing breath sometimes, so cautiously I wait.
No matter how I try to gauge the mood that you are feeling,
ever am I wrong and comes the rage that leaves me reeling.
~ Survivor Squared
P R O J E C T I O N
I cannot for the life of me
figure what I said
that caused this angry torrent
when he suddenly saw red.
“Apology unaccepted”
is what he hurled at me,
amidst a bitter diatribe
its point I could not see.
No matter what the caution
in spite of every care,
there is no way to speak to him
for always do I err.
~ Survivor Squared
D R E A M S
Yesterday a joyful day to wed my man of dreams;
today a day of nightmares, he’s not what first he seemed.
I married Dr. Jekyll but uncovered Mr. Hyde;
there does not seem an end to this roller coaster ride.
Constant is the shifting to hatefulness and worse;
barbs that pierce my very soul within each angry curse.
Living by the moment, clinging to the cross;
I weep for what I thought once was, illusions ever lost.
Today my dream man visits me when I am wide awake;
the guise of loving husband is the form that he will take.
Tomorrow comes the nightmare I do not wish to face;
with raging horrid words that my mind cannot erase.
To others who surround us he seems the average guy;
no one e’er suspects what teems and writhes inside.
So which will be the one that I awaken to today?
Please let it be the dream, this fervently I pray.
~ Survivor Squared
F A I T H
Where is the joy to be found in my life?
So much is sorrow, so much is strife.
Shackled in torment to an unbeliever,
I see no redemption in this angry deceiver.
But God’s word commands that I remain wed,
no matter what he has done and said.
That he might be saved through this wretch that is me,
I pray for his salvation to see.
My spirit is growing increasingly frail,
to the Lord again and again do I wail.
I plead for an end to the pain in my heart,
for mine eyes only see until death do us part.
Yet my God is awesome in both mercy and grace,
He has already ordained the time and the place.
He asks only that I believe in Him,
for He can overcome all sin.
It is through His mercy I live each day,
knowing my Father will show me the way.
~ Survivor Squared
C O N T R O L
What difference does it make, the closet that I use?
Yesterday it was nothing, today you blow a fuse.
Why ever does it matter where I go to shop?
You did not bat an eye last week, today you’re going to pop.
You’re angry when I’m happy, you’re happy when I’m not.
It’s impossible to please you, I can’t connect the dots.
You play with words and truth, and then call me a liar.
My nerves are stretched to breaking from walking this high wire.
You seem to love to argue, you always want to fight.
I try so to avoid this, I try to keep things light.
But even in a perfect world you will find something wrong,
you’re happiest a critic and do it all day long.
Who it is I’m talking to when chatting on the phone,
demanding every whereabout; I’m never left alone.
It really doesn’t matter though, what I say or do
because it’s not about me; it is always, ever you.
~ Survivor Squared
R A V A G E D
My body is a shell, an anguished empty husk.
I struggle so to function
from dawn ’til after dusk.
Why Lord must I also suffer from disease?
I pray and plead for mercy
on bended, tortured knees.
Father on this day I ask You hear my plea
I have so many tears
why can’t Your love I see?
And yet I know how great Thou art no matter what the strife.
So I will ever trust Your heart
for all throughout my life.
~ Survivor Squared
M A N I A
Tossing, turning, thoughts are churning,
he will not sleep tonight.
Pushing, shoving, most unloving,
spoiling for a fight.
Body weary, thoughts so bleary,
longing for my sleep.
I lay so still, and pray he will
find slumber, ere I weep.
~ Survivor Squared
S P L I T T I N G
“You are my love, my life” says he.
I feel a sense of dread.
This will not last for long I know,
no matter what he’s said.
Too soon his words begin the shift,
to anger, spite, and hate.
Spewing ’til he makes the rift,
acceptance is my fate.
~ Survivor Squared
Survivor Squared
My husband sees in black and white... My life is shades of gray. 